Desperations of the first world

There will be two posts today.

I have been without electricity for a week now, it could be good practice for living in Phnom phenn I guess although this has to do with not bothering to pay the bills for a long time, it really cost me to get it put back but everyone needs electricity right. I also quit my job today although if I had not quit soon then the choice would have been taken out of my hands.

The happenings of the past week have given me some time to reflect, blacked out nights spent reflecting over my options and what I really want. I have wanted to get out of this place for at least a year now, it is becoming almost desperate now and I have at least ten months left before I can make it happen, I really need to leave and to reinvent myself in a new place where my actions are not watched by the eyes of many. I know an awful lot of people in the town where I live, I really do mean a lot, but I can count my good friends on the fingers of one hand. After a divorce the people you have in your surroundings polarize, many take sides, many dissapear from your life. People are the same the world over but here I was the one who moved, our friends were her friends, they all have thier own lives, I don't really care what the reasons are, the result is that when I really need help there are only a handful of people I can talk to.

I might as well be in another country.

I want to be somewhere where I can feel alive.

I want to be somewhere where television will not deaden my senses.

I want to be in Cambodia.

I spend this period feeling sorry for myself but then think about the many people living on less than a dollar a day and I feel ashamed but I should not, I've explained about the god shot theory of life let me explain it's extension.

One of my very good friends is an intelligent man, he is almost a recluse and spends most of his time either reading or thinking. He tells me that my money troubles are my own creation and of course he is right, for years I have lived way above my means. He says that to live in the modern world you need to make sacrifices, he tells me that to live the reclusive life he lives he has had to give up many things in life that other people have. He is right but....

Why should I give up these things, I studied for years to become a teacher, I am a professional but my salary here does not allow me even a middle class life, why should I accept this? One hundred years from now I will be nothing but a memory, there may even be no-one left to whom I am a memory, what the hell will it matter if I died with debts in a couple of countries, no-one will care! I am a nomad and it is time for me to drop under the radar and start a new life somewhere where I can feel alive.

I am not the man

the one

babylon.

I am not the taker of souls

we know of old

cold like the icy wind

I AM NOT HIM.

I do not have room in my mind for the kind

of thoughts that they possess

I am not less than him

I do not skim the waters

I will not accept what they have taught us

I will not go under

I will not wonder

What it's like to be there

Where?

There

The master of the air

The sea

The land

I will not take their hand

do not need their help.

I am a man of means

I mean

I glean a living

every day

every way I can.

I am

free

I am

me.

I walk the world of men with head held high

'cause I know why they do

the things they do

they do

beleive I am a theif

because I take my time

My time

the time I give them from my time becomed their time

I must not complain

I must not whine on thier time.

My time is running out I shout

I NEED MORE TIME.

Show me a sign

Show me the way to seize the day

'cause I must make a stand

or die today.

I'm just not sure I can

because I

am not

the man...


Lucien