Saturday, 30 January 2010

Batam al Ghul (the belly of the beast)

Here in the west we are exactly there, we are in the belly of the beast. We are incredibly lucky in many ways even if we are kept in the dark, often by ourselves.

I have known people here to grow up and even grow old ensconced in the belief that they are not only in the belly of the beast but also are the centre of everything, both political, cultural and moral. Many, if not all of the judgements we make about what happens in other cultures is judged using our perameters and there is a total inability to see the world through someone elses eyes.

This may well be a mechanism to make our lives more bearable and as such it is of course valuable but in a world where we do this there can never be true equality between the different worlds which coexist upon this chunk of earth.

Again we are not designed to strive for equality for our fellow man, this is a luxury we construct in the richer, more egalitarian parts of the world. Strip us of the things which keep us comfortable and safe and our real desires will and do shine through.

We are hardwired to survive at all costs, including the demise of others. This is our reality when stripped of everything else.

Most parts of the world are at least closer to this than we are. You look after yourself and your family because there is no social network to look after you if you fail, and people do fail.

The belly of the beast or the priviliged west?

You decide.

If you can make it in the developing world, you can make it anywhere.

Monday, 18 January 2010

It makes a difference

I never felt this way when I was younger,I don't know if it has to do with being older and wiser or just more jaded with age,but when external factors change it changes my internal noticeably. The weather today is mild and sunny. The weather has been cold and gray for too long, when it changed today I felt a lightening of my spirits, I actually feel as though the world is more friendly,the same places as yesterday feel different. I walk lightly today as opposed to limping along with
misery by my side.

Things are good today.

Life is better in the sunshine.

Simple as.....


Friday, 15 January 2010

If you take the red pill!

"that you are a slave Neo, like everyone else you were born into bondage; born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch, a prison for your mind."

Unlike Neo, not everyone chooses the red pill. Everyone at some point, I believe, is confronted with a potentially life changing situation but the majority of people will gladly swallow that blue pill and go back to their comfortable, or so they must believe, existence. There are many motivations or excuses for this and all are equally valid, I have too much to lose, I don't know what may be around the corner or most commonly, I have responsibilities.

I understand this. Taking the blue pill is easier, taking the red pill is much harder and demands so much more of you, but sometimes situations dictate and you really don't have any blue pill to take. You must take the red pill or perish, the option of return is gone.

I took the red pill.

These crossroads in lie are always precipitated by some kind of catastrophe, or at the best a crisis, A crucial or decisive point or situation; a turning point. The decision you make at this point is one which will disappear instantly or live with you for many, many years depending upon which you choose. If, as I did, you choose the red pill you are setting course for a new and totally unknown destination which of course is never easy.

Given the same choice again would I choose the blue pill?

No, once you burn bridges you can quite literally never go back over them.

Non, je ne regrette rien.


Arbet Mach Frie

Freedom is something we all take for granted, especially when we live in the so-called democratic west. How free are we exactly?

In order to work, at least with anything which pays well and which has any form of social status, you need a bank account. It should not be taken for granted that anyone can get a bank account either, you need two proofs of address, the same two you need to take a shit in England today. Your passport and two proofs of address, utility bills and maybe a bank statement, you need a bank statement to get a bank account,you see the problem?

If you are going to work with children or vulnerable adults you need an enhanced CRB check, all fine and dandy, but you need one for almost every different job you apply for, 33 pounds and a four week wait before you can earn any money brother but hey, you still don't have a bank account anyway right?

Where are you living anyway? Can you get somewhere to live when you have no job and no bank account? A months rent and a months deposit, a two bed flat in London, 1500 quid please mate and references. When you are living with others how do you get a utility bill? for the bank account you know, the one you need to be able to work, to get the job you need to get a flat, the one you need to get the utility bill you need to get a bank account, the one you need to be able to work, ad infinitum.....


Down the rabbit hole

Came to start writing another post now and realized that I am in grave danger of becoming very tedious. The relaying of drunken mishap after drug fueled encounter can become old; it can be therapeutic for me but is it entertaining?
A while ago I would never have thought of things in that way but now I do, I have a sense of audience. I really need to balance both the audience and the therapy, for it is both!
So, what have I learned over the last couple of years?

Contrary to my recent thoughts, I am not stable.

I have probably never been stable more than a thin veneer.

I may never be stable but I am sure I can achieve a kind of balance which will allow me to function and indeed to embrace my issues, and through this, be able to live a calm and harmonious life. Seven years ago I was doing this!

I will never be able to do it here.

Alice in Wonderland springs to mind:

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?” said Alice.

“That depends a good deal on where you want to get
to,” said the Cat.

“I don’t much care where,” said Alice.

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the

I’ve always been a bit of a gypsy but settled for fourteen years in one place while my child finished his education.
All this really started about six years ago with a traumatic event followed by another one, two years later. This second event was the straw that broke the camel’s back and my entire life started to fall apart at that point, I now know from experience that from successful, content citizen to teetering on the brink of total emotional, mental and financial collapse can take less than two years.

I lost all the possessions, my savings, the prestigious apartment, the big screen TV, the daughter and all the menagerie of small things which make up a life, in that time. My saving grace was that I was living abroad; I could run away, I could leave all the horrendous debt behind me and escape, I could do it, I did do it.

I am getting there. In the good times I am fine but it is when things don’t go as they should, that is when I simply lack the life energy to get out and do something about it. At some level I have already given up but that is exactly what this blog is about, I cannot give up because I love life too much, I will not give up because I am not prepared to curl up and die yet. I lost the grip on my lifeline for a year or so but I have it back, I will create this blog and it will keep me afloat.

They say that the third time you go under you drown, Id best start swimming.



The Bell Jar

Stuck in a bell-jar

the world outside unclear and strange.

To see what is,

simplicity of a child.

How can it be so difficult to see with our eyes

and listen with our ears.

If I drag my finger along the glass

I see clearly for a second.


Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Tempus edax rerum

As the title says, Time is the devourer of things. It has been a while since I posted anything and now I sit and look back upon the last period of time and think, what was I thinking? I thought I was on more solid ground when in fact I was simply engrained in a routine, when deprived of this routine I am just as unstable as ever and maybe even more than earlier.

Time has devoured almost all of my possessions and yet I don't care, I have most of what I need in the physical world, what I need is securely in the emotional world. I can't even say exactly what it is I need just something else.

So where am I now?

Physically I am in the north of England but where am I internally? I am still yearning, longing for a change and am aware that if that change is not imminent it may be too late.

My blogg/therapy starts again in earnest as of today.