Friday, 15 January 2010

Down the rabbit hole

Came to start writing another post now and realized that I am in grave danger of becoming very tedious. The relaying of drunken mishap after drug fueled encounter can become old; it can be therapeutic for me but is it entertaining?
A while ago I would never have thought of things in that way but now I do, I have a sense of audience. I really need to balance both the audience and the therapy, for it is both!
So, what have I learned over the last couple of years?

Contrary to my recent thoughts, I am not stable.

I have probably never been stable more than a thin veneer.

I may never be stable but I am sure I can achieve a kind of balance which will allow me to function and indeed to embrace my issues, and through this, be able to live a calm and harmonious life. Seven years ago I was doing this!

I will never be able to do it here.

Alice in Wonderland springs to mind:

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?” said Alice.

“That depends a good deal on where you want to get
to,” said the Cat.

“I don’t much care where,” said Alice.

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the

I’ve always been a bit of a gypsy but settled for fourteen years in one place while my child finished his education.
All this really started about six years ago with a traumatic event followed by another one, two years later. This second event was the straw that broke the camel’s back and my entire life started to fall apart at that point, I now know from experience that from successful, content citizen to teetering on the brink of total emotional, mental and financial collapse can take less than two years.

I lost all the possessions, my savings, the prestigious apartment, the big screen TV, the daughter and all the menagerie of small things which make up a life, in that time. My saving grace was that I was living abroad; I could run away, I could leave all the horrendous debt behind me and escape, I could do it, I did do it.

I am getting there. In the good times I am fine but it is when things don’t go as they should, that is when I simply lack the life energy to get out and do something about it. At some level I have already given up but that is exactly what this blog is about, I cannot give up because I love life too much, I will not give up because I am not prepared to curl up and die yet. I lost the grip on my lifeline for a year or so but I have it back, I will create this blog and it will keep me afloat.

They say that the third time you go under you drown, Id best start swimming.


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