The kind of things I have been through the last two years leave their mark on a man, I beleive that which has been said; When you go to hell and back you invariably leave a peice of yourself there. The word crisis apparently comes from latin and means to grow and develop yourself, in this case through hardship. I have not checked the source but I hope this is true, sure, I am going through a major crisis but why does this have to be negative? I will come out of of this stronger on the other side or I will collapse along the way, my aim is to become stronger and now I have help, now I have my princess. It's amazing to think that I have made it this far mostly on my own. I know an irish man here who has also been through a lot but he descended into the true depths of hell, he is an alcohol drenched shell of his former self, he did not get out in time. It may be running from problems but so what, escape is the way, I beleive the only way. I am not the man I used to be, he is still inside but he is so well hidden now that even I have trouble finding him sometimes. My irish freind is a warning.
There but for the grace of god.....
Lucien
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
dum spiro spero (while I breathe, I hope)
I mentioned a woman in one of my earlier entries and really need to expand upon it. I have gone and fallen in love and this is wonderful for my self-destructive tendencies, she gives me a reason to stop doing it, she allows me to trust women again and it feels great. Another thing which is cool is that when I told her I was going to move to Cambodia (this would scare off many a woman) she wants to come with me, my dream, my aim becomes ours, it couldn't be better.
Two and a half years ago another woman made sure that I would never trust again, my new princess has reversed the process. I am going to move out with her and we are going to live in a chataeu, we will write poetry and live a god shot life, maybe even have a small gallery to exhibit photographs and paintings, life can be really good, I am sure of this I've just been in the wrong place with the wrong people. It's time to do something about this, ten months is too long, I can't wait that long. My shangri-la is waiting and small time bullshit is keeping me away from it, although my princess can't move for at least 9 months, maybe I can move it forward to nine months
you are the reason
you are the rythm and the rhyme
you are dawning of days
you are so sublime
you are the light refracting
you are the stopping of time
on a friday night
you are the whisps of white
in a scorching summer sky
you are why
you are when
you are how
you are my history
my future
my now
you are the light refracting
through a freshly cut jewel
you are miles davis’ trumpet
the birth of cool
you are my space
my air
my element
my time
you are my words
my reason and rhyme.
I have a long way to go before I can consider myself in good shape again but I have a plan: I know where I want to be and I know who I want to be there with, now I just have to survive the next nine to ten months.
"dum spiro spero" while I breathe, I hope
Lucien
Two and a half years ago another woman made sure that I would never trust again, my new princess has reversed the process. I am going to move out with her and we are going to live in a chataeu, we will write poetry and live a god shot life, maybe even have a small gallery to exhibit photographs and paintings, life can be really good, I am sure of this I've just been in the wrong place with the wrong people. It's time to do something about this, ten months is too long, I can't wait that long. My shangri-la is waiting and small time bullshit is keeping me away from it, although my princess can't move for at least 9 months, maybe I can move it forward to nine months
you are the reason
you are the rythm and the rhyme
you are dawning of days
you are so sublime
you are the light refracting
you are the stopping of time
on a friday night
you are the whisps of white
in a scorching summer sky
you are why
you are when
you are how
you are my history
my future
my now
you are the light refracting
through a freshly cut jewel
you are miles davis’ trumpet
the birth of cool
you are my space
my air
my element
my time
you are my words
my reason and rhyme.
I have a long way to go before I can consider myself in good shape again but I have a plan: I know where I want to be and I know who I want to be there with, now I just have to survive the next nine to ten months.
"dum spiro spero" while I breathe, I hope
Lucien
Saturday, 8 September 2007
Thanks for the memories
I was sitting and thinking about all manor of things today and started to formulate ideas around another thoery and thought I would put it out here and see how it looked in words.
I was thinking about all the people you meet throughout your life, all of these people have memories and impressions about you and often I'm sure that these impressions are different from the ones we have about ourselves. I have lived in a few different places in my life and this means that I have a whole list of freinds and aquaintances who have totally dissapeared from my life, Do they ever think of me these days and what do they think in that case? Are their thoughts and memories postive or negative? I've thought about it quite a lot and think that these people are all important, if the people who have known you remember you in a positive way more than in a negative way then the scales will lean towards the positive. At the end of a rich and varied life then this all has to be weighed up and we should aim to be as much as possible in the positive so to speak.
I mean think about it, how does this system work with someone like Pol Pot, or Hitler or the Son of Sam? Sure they are going to be well in the negative but there will be positive too it's this which is so fascinating, there will be people who have positive memories of some of the most evil people who have ever lived. Conversly there must be negative memories of Ghandi too, even the best of people must have a skeleton or two in the closet as well.
I like the system,I'm going to refine the thing over time and will post the refinements.
Lucien.
I was thinking about all the people you meet throughout your life, all of these people have memories and impressions about you and often I'm sure that these impressions are different from the ones we have about ourselves. I have lived in a few different places in my life and this means that I have a whole list of freinds and aquaintances who have totally dissapeared from my life, Do they ever think of me these days and what do they think in that case? Are their thoughts and memories postive or negative? I've thought about it quite a lot and think that these people are all important, if the people who have known you remember you in a positive way more than in a negative way then the scales will lean towards the positive. At the end of a rich and varied life then this all has to be weighed up and we should aim to be as much as possible in the positive so to speak.
I mean think about it, how does this system work with someone like Pol Pot, or Hitler or the Son of Sam? Sure they are going to be well in the negative but there will be positive too it's this which is so fascinating, there will be people who have positive memories of some of the most evil people who have ever lived. Conversly there must be negative memories of Ghandi too, even the best of people must have a skeleton or two in the closet as well.
I like the system,I'm going to refine the thing over time and will post the refinements.
Lucien.
Sunday, 2 September 2007
Demons
It's two o'clock in the morning where I am.
I'm sitting alone on my sofa with a laptop on my knee, It's dark here and I'm not exactly sober at this point. The phone rang a few minutes ago but I ignored it as I didn't recognise the number, had to check it on the computer to see who it was, a girl I know with whom I had a breif fling a while ago. Sometimes I think why can't the phone just stop ringing, I dont even check my mail any more, my box is almost full. How long can I keep this up? I have to get away and escape all of this but I can't leave for at least ten months, the stress levels build up and it gets unbearable, this is why I drink or at least one of the reasons. This is the radar and I am at it's mercy, there is no-where here I can escape it. I daydream about walking along the riverside and being relaxed and free of any wories about people catching up with me, no debt collectors here will ever find me in Cambo. I need to sleep, thoughts of escape plague me all the time I'm going to take a sleeper and drop out of the world for a few hours. I've taken the ringer off the doorbell, I need to sleep.
Lucien
I'm sitting alone on my sofa with a laptop on my knee, It's dark here and I'm not exactly sober at this point. The phone rang a few minutes ago but I ignored it as I didn't recognise the number, had to check it on the computer to see who it was, a girl I know with whom I had a breif fling a while ago. Sometimes I think why can't the phone just stop ringing, I dont even check my mail any more, my box is almost full. How long can I keep this up? I have to get away and escape all of this but I can't leave for at least ten months, the stress levels build up and it gets unbearable, this is why I drink or at least one of the reasons. This is the radar and I am at it's mercy, there is no-where here I can escape it. I daydream about walking along the riverside and being relaxed and free of any wories about people catching up with me, no debt collectors here will ever find me in Cambo. I need to sleep, thoughts of escape plague me all the time I'm going to take a sleeper and drop out of the world for a few hours. I've taken the ringer off the doorbell, I need to sleep.
Lucien
Saturday, 1 September 2007
The opiate of the people
When was the last time you saw something good on television?
Over here television is made up of fifty percent docu-soap crap, forty percent cheaply made american imports and the rest is somewhere between ok and decent. Good is not an adjective I've been able to use for a long time while talking about television. I'ts purpose is to deaden the pain of modern living, If Marx had lived today it would have been TV which was described as the opiate of the people and not religion. It keeps us ensconsed in our modern homes for several hours every day, it keeps us controlled, it gives us things to long and work for and it pacifies us and stops us striving for more worthwhile aims.
Children in this country are now about 6 or 7 when they get their first mobile phone, when they reach 11 or twelve the same phone must also be a multi-media player and a digital camera as well. The manufacturers make mobiles which will not last more than 12 to 18 months before breaking which is just as well because by that time they are so old as to be utterly out of date anyway. I can actually watch live television on my mobile so I can combine the two things while travelling to work.
I am just as much a part of this as everyone else, I actually think it would be hard to live without my mobile, my computer, internet, my TV. I am a part of what I detest, I drive it forward with my comsumption and I do nothing to counter it. In Phnom Phenn I would still have a mobile and computer so what would change? Well I would at least get rid of the TV, I actually didn't mention computers in the first two paragraphs because this is a force for change if used correctly. At this moment I am using the computer as therapy, the internet has made the world a much smaller place. I have set myself an aim and can share the process of acheiving it or burning out on the way with anyone who cares to read about it.
Children here grow up with no knowledge or understanding of how it is to live in other less priviliged parts of the world, at the same time as computers have made the world smaller they have also made it bigger, teenage boys here now spend their time living in a virtual world instead of the real one, when I was eighteen everyone was just waiting to get out and travel I don't see this in the eighteen year olds of today. The virtual world must not be more important than the real one, although I may be wrong, maybe it's just an ecape and if so then it's probably more positive than the drink and drugs that I have myself used for the same reason.
T...
e...
l...
e...
vision
societies mission of control
out of control
it's been a naughty boy
spewing out crap about the american dream
spawning mind control, buy our ice cream
do what we want every day
think what we want you to think
in everyway
'cause you're a mindless
gormless fool.
Why do you think that we sent you to school
to be educated?
no.
to learn the ways we want you to behave
thats why we sent the rich ones to the other schools
so they wouldn't have to mix
with the kind of fools
they'd be controlling
in later life
grow up, get a job, choose a wife
and be content
and know the shit you take
is all well-meant
'cause we like yer
we really do
'cause the graft of the many benefits the few
'cause we get richer from the sweat of your brow
and you get poorer
and let me tell yer how
'cause there's interest
on the money we lend yer
then thers taxes
on the bills we send yer
you're in a circle
and yer cant get out
yer need a car just to get about
but then then theres road tax
and the R.A.C
and insurance
and the M.O.T
it's all money you 'avnt got
you're living you're life without a pot
to piss in
you're aiming to survive
but quite frankly you're missing
but theres an answer
go home
switch on your telly
put up yer feet
and turn yer mind to jelly
no need to think
just look
absorb all the messages and dont give a fuck
a new religion
just need to switch on
and you're there
no need to care
T...
e...
l...
e...
vision.
Lucien
Over here television is made up of fifty percent docu-soap crap, forty percent cheaply made american imports and the rest is somewhere between ok and decent. Good is not an adjective I've been able to use for a long time while talking about television. I'ts purpose is to deaden the pain of modern living, If Marx had lived today it would have been TV which was described as the opiate of the people and not religion. It keeps us ensconsed in our modern homes for several hours every day, it keeps us controlled, it gives us things to long and work for and it pacifies us and stops us striving for more worthwhile aims.
Children in this country are now about 6 or 7 when they get their first mobile phone, when they reach 11 or twelve the same phone must also be a multi-media player and a digital camera as well. The manufacturers make mobiles which will not last more than 12 to 18 months before breaking which is just as well because by that time they are so old as to be utterly out of date anyway. I can actually watch live television on my mobile so I can combine the two things while travelling to work.
I am just as much a part of this as everyone else, I actually think it would be hard to live without my mobile, my computer, internet, my TV. I am a part of what I detest, I drive it forward with my comsumption and I do nothing to counter it. In Phnom Phenn I would still have a mobile and computer so what would change? Well I would at least get rid of the TV, I actually didn't mention computers in the first two paragraphs because this is a force for change if used correctly. At this moment I am using the computer as therapy, the internet has made the world a much smaller place. I have set myself an aim and can share the process of acheiving it or burning out on the way with anyone who cares to read about it.
Children here grow up with no knowledge or understanding of how it is to live in other less priviliged parts of the world, at the same time as computers have made the world smaller they have also made it bigger, teenage boys here now spend their time living in a virtual world instead of the real one, when I was eighteen everyone was just waiting to get out and travel I don't see this in the eighteen year olds of today. The virtual world must not be more important than the real one, although I may be wrong, maybe it's just an ecape and if so then it's probably more positive than the drink and drugs that I have myself used for the same reason.
T...
e...
l...
e...
vision
societies mission of control
out of control
it's been a naughty boy
spewing out crap about the american dream
spawning mind control, buy our ice cream
do what we want every day
think what we want you to think
in everyway
'cause you're a mindless
gormless fool.
Why do you think that we sent you to school
to be educated?
no.
to learn the ways we want you to behave
thats why we sent the rich ones to the other schools
so they wouldn't have to mix
with the kind of fools
they'd be controlling
in later life
grow up, get a job, choose a wife
and be content
and know the shit you take
is all well-meant
'cause we like yer
we really do
'cause the graft of the many benefits the few
'cause we get richer from the sweat of your brow
and you get poorer
and let me tell yer how
'cause there's interest
on the money we lend yer
then thers taxes
on the bills we send yer
you're in a circle
and yer cant get out
yer need a car just to get about
but then then theres road tax
and the R.A.C
and insurance
and the M.O.T
it's all money you 'avnt got
you're living you're life without a pot
to piss in
you're aiming to survive
but quite frankly you're missing
but theres an answer
go home
switch on your telly
put up yer feet
and turn yer mind to jelly
no need to think
just look
absorb all the messages and dont give a fuck
a new religion
just need to switch on
and you're there
no need to care
T...
e...
l...
e...
vision.
Lucien
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
