The Dream

Sure it's a dream.

Sure it's escape.

So what. What is the dream? It has only loose forms really. It involves a chateau, my chateau however could just be a two room apartment with a balcony, it must have a view but it does not have to be the riverside. A balcony overlooking an urban area with a tons of people milling around early in the morning, a market for example, cool. My chateau must however be a safe haven, I must be able to be there and to relax, to escape the world below when I want and to be very close to the world below when I choose to be a part of it.

What am I going to do there? Almost certainly teach. This is of course the best option, but wait I said what am I going to do not what I am going to work with. This is a common mistake, I often ask "What do you do?" but I don't really mean what do you work with, I mean what do you do? What makes you burn with passion? What makes your weekdays worthwhile? One of my two passions is photography and I don't mean digital I mean medium format film hand printed to large sizes and hung to show people. I want to have a gallery. It just needs to be a simple storefront somewhere which can be renovated to be really nice. It would be cool if I could afford to simply display the prints I want to display, my freinds paintings, whatever I want not comprimised by commercial issues.

What do I need? Surprisingly little actually, I have lots of things here, all kinds of things. I have the big screen tv, the dishwasher, the kick-ass hifi, everything. When I move I aim to have two bags with me, I will need some of my clothes, my poetry and my cameras. I don't need anything else.

Sure it's a dream. So what.

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Secret gardens




There’s a secret garden
inside the heart,
where even in the depths of winter
the birds sing.
And the flowers
unable and unwilling
to shade their colours
spring forth.

The wall around the garden however
is strong and tall
to find the door
takes a special kind of skill
the young and wild
stumble easily upon the key,
but with age
our vision clouds,

and the garden becomes more secret every day.



Lucien

Only time will tell

I have government agencies closing in on me to get me in their grips. Not as serious as it sounds it is however a source of worry, a friend of mine here recently had a heart attack and is now extremely aware of how stress affects our lives and bodies, my stress levels are really high at times. Every time there is a knock on the door and I go and look through the little peephole and see two unknown adults outside then I know they have another form for me to sign. How I got into this situation is irrelavant but the politics behind it are.

Already immediatly after leaving home it begins; the banks see a student and are quick to offer continual increases in the overdraft instead of the government giving benefits which make it possible for students to live dignified lives without borrowing too much, many are obliged to take jobs directly after graduation because they are already ten thousand in debt. As a teacher you earn enough money to live only if you live as a couple and comprimise your lifestyle, if you beome single with a (or several) child then suddenly you don't have a salary which will give you a dignified lifestyle. The only way to survive is to take on credit, tying you to the banks for years to come, if you want to buy a house then you are tied even more tightly.

What is the answer to this?

The answer for me is escape, I don't want to be a part of this any longer. Phnom Phenn is somewhere where I could live and work and earn enough to live a decent life without prostituting myself for the bankers and the polititions. This attracts me quite honestly. I saw a slogan on T.V. yesterday, " Voting only allows us to choose our masters". I have not voted since the middle of the nineties; partly because I am not allowed to vote in the host country and partly because I have no interest in voting in my home country. What right do I have to affect how England is governed as I have no intention of ever living there again?

I do not want to live in England as England is country which is not so slowly falling apart. The state of the inner cities is quite frankly scary, what is happening? The youth of the urban centres are without hope, they are without future so a number of them are creating their own. I am under no pretence. I know that the lack of hope for the underclass in countries like Cambodia is just as brutal if not more so but it is more honest, it is more understandable, If I live there for fiftenn years maybe the society will start to change for the better. I can be a part of a developing society rather than a devolving one, or maybe I'm just talking shit.

Only time will tell.



The battle between light and dark
blue light dark angels
empty pockets spawn a million possibilities.

The starving wolf
kept in a cage
is a dangerous animal to feed.




Lucien

What a strange day.

I was two hours away yesterday in a major city on a photo job. It was a fashion type of shoot with a fetish bias, kind of unusual and quite cool, so far so good. After the shoot I headed back to the centre to get the bus home and of course missed it, strangly enough no other buses went until six o'clock the next morning. A small pain in the ass but liveable, I headed to another area of town where I was planning to do an article about the pub life and went to a few restaurants, drank a few beers and made some notes. The photographs were the easy part here, it was quite enjoyable, I would simply drink until two o'clock or so, go to the bus stop and only have to wait a few hours. Everyone has to make sacrifices for their art right.

I however fell asleep at the busstop and the driver did not wake me when he came so I missed the bus and had to get another at nine o'clock. Argggh! Anyway back home now and I have slept. I need to get out of here, am going to meet my girlfreind tonight, It's all about surviving for a while isn't it. Just surviving.

Lucien

The Grey Room

Sometimes, even in the darkest of times, a ray of light comes along. Half a year ago I met a girl whom I liked, I knew that I was not happy and would not be staying here so I kept myself careful, I kept a distance. I mean, no girl here in the western world is going to want to move with me out to Cambodia right?

Wrong!

She is going to come with me, she apparently has never felt like she fitted in here and she seems just as keen to get the hell out as I am, amazing but cool, how often does that happen? When it does you just have to take the chance, get the hell out and take her with you, this is my plan.

I get down at times. I have to wait so long until I can leave, until I can find somewhere I would rather be. I have been in this situation before, I have needed to get away from a place and have moved to somewhere new but I have never had to wait like this, it is torture. I feel trapped. The only way I can escape is inside for now.


I have a room inside my head
which has no doors.

The walls are painted grey
no windows break their even curve.

Within this room
I hear no good or bad.

My senses are reduced
to flat
and grey
and silent.

Nothing can touch me
I am safe here.


Lucien